I am about to get real with y'all.
It looks like I will not be returning to the teaching profession for the foreseeable future. I am still trying to process this little plot twist in my life, and sharing with others helps me do that.
I had a very difficult year in my first contracted teaching position. I went into it with a very distorted idea of what Kindergarten would be like, imagining it would be very similar to preschool, which was very relaxed. I had no idea how rigorous the expectations would be, both of the children and of me, and as such I did not use my summer planning days wisely. It took some time for me to realize how ill-prepared I was and I had to spend the rest of the year trying to catch up. Additionally, I was teaching in a state with a VASTLY different education style than what I was used to at home, after I'd had 5 years to forget much of what I learned earning my degree, and I was also dealing with some culture shock having just recently moved here. On top of everything, I was trying to balance the emotions and fatigue that accompany early pregnancy. The odds were not in my favor.
In a supportive work environment, these things could have been overcome rather easily. Unfortunately, my work environment was anything but. It seemed no matter what I did or said, it came across negatively to the other grade level teachers, all of whom were local veteran teachers who had been together for years. They did not like me and did not try to hide this fact. They certainly did not see me as an equal and were wholely uninterested in any contributions I tried to make, nor did they ever have any positive feedback to offer me. If I made mistakes, they cut me absolutely no slack and offered no help in remedying them. If I asked questions, they shamed me for not already knowing the answer by reminding me that this had already been discussed in a meeting or email. There were some unpleasant confrontations, sometimes in front of students, and by the end of my pregnancy I was having such severe anxiety that I was trying to induce labor just so I wouldn't have to go back and face the grown women who were bullying me. It was then that I realized that for my health and my baby's health, I needed to resign. I did so with the blessing of my principal, and I spent the next few days desperately trying to wrap up as many tasks as I could. I was staying at school well into the evening and coming in on weekends, causing myself even more anxiety, until my last day when I finally had to wash my hands of the place and leave administration and the long term sub to sort out the rest. My final performance evaluation was low as a result, but I figured I could come back from it in my next position.
I immediately knew that leaving was the right decision. In the days that followed, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn't until months later that I truly felt healed from the mental and emotional pressure I had been under. My plan had been to reapply to the district when my daughter reached 6 months of age and most certainly seek a position at a different school, perhaps even a different grade, and hope that being in a school that was a better match would help me be more successful and enjoy my work more.
Now, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because I definitely take some of the responsibility for my failed year as an educator. There were a lot of ways I could have done better, and I was looking forward to trying again with some mistakes under my belt and a clearer perception of the job. Unfortunately, the Department of Education has determined that with a poor performance evaluation, they cannot accept me into their pool of prospective teachers.
I feel many things. I feel like I have failed in my chosen profession. I feel like I have failed my family by racking up student loan debt and then getting myself blacklisted and unable to contribute financially. I feel cheated, because under different circumstances I am certain I could have performed better, and also because I definitely do not believe my performance was so low as to warrant this response. Part of me feels relieved, because I do enjoy staying at home with my children and now it seems that is what God or the Universe or whatever greater power you believe in wants me to do. Which then also leads to me feeling pressure to be the most amazing stay at home spouse there ever was to try and atone for my failure in the working world and the uneven financial burden now placed on my husband, who I am terrified will resent me.
In any case, I am determined to make the best of this. I am grateful that we can afford this setback and that it won't cause us any financial strain, apart from not being able to pay off debt any time soon. I plan to continue to pursue writing and bring it what I can from that, and I will absolutely be enjoying my children!
It looks like I will not be returning to the teaching profession for the foreseeable future. I am still trying to process this little plot twist in my life, and sharing with others helps me do that.
I had a very difficult year in my first contracted teaching position. I went into it with a very distorted idea of what Kindergarten would be like, imagining it would be very similar to preschool, which was very relaxed. I had no idea how rigorous the expectations would be, both of the children and of me, and as such I did not use my summer planning days wisely. It took some time for me to realize how ill-prepared I was and I had to spend the rest of the year trying to catch up. Additionally, I was teaching in a state with a VASTLY different education style than what I was used to at home, after I'd had 5 years to forget much of what I learned earning my degree, and I was also dealing with some culture shock having just recently moved here. On top of everything, I was trying to balance the emotions and fatigue that accompany early pregnancy. The odds were not in my favor.
In a supportive work environment, these things could have been overcome rather easily. Unfortunately, my work environment was anything but. It seemed no matter what I did or said, it came across negatively to the other grade level teachers, all of whom were local veteran teachers who had been together for years. They did not like me and did not try to hide this fact. They certainly did not see me as an equal and were wholely uninterested in any contributions I tried to make, nor did they ever have any positive feedback to offer me. If I made mistakes, they cut me absolutely no slack and offered no help in remedying them. If I asked questions, they shamed me for not already knowing the answer by reminding me that this had already been discussed in a meeting or email. There were some unpleasant confrontations, sometimes in front of students, and by the end of my pregnancy I was having such severe anxiety that I was trying to induce labor just so I wouldn't have to go back and face the grown women who were bullying me. It was then that I realized that for my health and my baby's health, I needed to resign. I did so with the blessing of my principal, and I spent the next few days desperately trying to wrap up as many tasks as I could. I was staying at school well into the evening and coming in on weekends, causing myself even more anxiety, until my last day when I finally had to wash my hands of the place and leave administration and the long term sub to sort out the rest. My final performance evaluation was low as a result, but I figured I could come back from it in my next position.
I immediately knew that leaving was the right decision. In the days that followed, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but it wasn't until months later that I truly felt healed from the mental and emotional pressure I had been under. My plan had been to reapply to the district when my daughter reached 6 months of age and most certainly seek a position at a different school, perhaps even a different grade, and hope that being in a school that was a better match would help me be more successful and enjoy my work more.
Now, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because I definitely take some of the responsibility for my failed year as an educator. There were a lot of ways I could have done better, and I was looking forward to trying again with some mistakes under my belt and a clearer perception of the job. Unfortunately, the Department of Education has determined that with a poor performance evaluation, they cannot accept me into their pool of prospective teachers.
I feel many things. I feel like I have failed in my chosen profession. I feel like I have failed my family by racking up student loan debt and then getting myself blacklisted and unable to contribute financially. I feel cheated, because under different circumstances I am certain I could have performed better, and also because I definitely do not believe my performance was so low as to warrant this response. Part of me feels relieved, because I do enjoy staying at home with my children and now it seems that is what God or the Universe or whatever greater power you believe in wants me to do. Which then also leads to me feeling pressure to be the most amazing stay at home spouse there ever was to try and atone for my failure in the working world and the uneven financial burden now placed on my husband, who I am terrified will resent me.
In any case, I am determined to make the best of this. I am grateful that we can afford this setback and that it won't cause us any financial strain, apart from not being able to pay off debt any time soon. I plan to continue to pursue writing and bring it what I can from that, and I will absolutely be enjoying my children!
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